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Somehow being a singer-mom has become my “brand¹,” and without really intending to, I have become a vocal advocate for talking honestly about parenting in this non-traditional career. Lately, friends and colleagues who are weighing whether to start families have been asking me for advice. This is my attempt to answer them in one place.

A quick background: I came to singing late. I earned a degree in Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering from Princeton, then decided on a whim to go to music conservatory for a Master’s in Vocal Performance. Since then, I have been singing professionally for 15 years. I had my two children in 2021 and 2023, and I live in the Bay Area, where I serve on the board of Philharmonia Baroque Orchestra and Chorale and maintain an active solo career, mostly in repertoire of the 17th through 19th centuries (along with some cool premieres). I’m writing here as an individual, and these views are my own.

Being a parent is a very personal choice, and every family situation is unique. I’m an n of 1, so take my perspective as one of many.

Every gig is a choice

When you travel for an engagement, you have two choices²:

• 1. Take your kid(s) with you
• 2. Leave your kid(s) at home

That’s really it. There is no way to be in two places at once, and FaceTime, while supremely helpful, is not physical presence. What matters is the set of questions each choice raises.

Whichever you choose, the same four questions come up:

• Care: Who looks after the kids, and what else is on their plate? A partner working remotely, a grandparent, a babysitter, a care facility.
• Money: What does it cost to travel and house everyone, or to cover care at home, and how much of the fee is left afterward? Most companies cover travel and housing for the artist alone, unless your agent has an unusual amount of leverage in your negotiations (hard sell for a soprano!).
• Your kids: How will they handle a new place or your absence? Consider their ages, school, and temperament. Mine thrive on routine and stability, especially familiar caregivers.
• You and your partner: How many engagements can each of you tolerate, and what emotional toll are you willing to take on in service of your artistry?

The two choices weigh these differently. Taking the kids with you means a caregiver in an unfamiliar place and, for school-age children, the home-schooling question. Leaving them means more load on your co-parent and kids who may deeply miss you.

To make the money question concrete: on a 6-week contract in Europe, my entire fee went towards a 3-bedroom Airbnb for my family and flights (and I later found out I was getting one of the highest per-performance fees in the cast). I barely netted anything on a gig on the East Coast when I brought both my kids, even when I booked all our flights with frequent flier miles (at the same fee as everyone else in the cast). I’m happy to share exact figures with anyone; just reach out to me personally.

Turning the questions into a rule

Your answers depend on a handful of variables: how long you will be away, how often, who covers at home and for how long, what the engagement nets after costs, your children’s ages and temperaments, and what your partner’s own work requires. Everyone sets those values differently, and the point is to set yours deliberately.

Here’s where I landed:

I will consider accepting engagements away from home shorter than 2 weeks (but more like 1 week in practice) when my husband can have the support of a grandparent, at a cadence of 4 to 5 engagements a year.

My personal rule depends heavily on a grandparent stepping in. If you don’t have that, the same variables will lead you somewhere else, perhaps fewer engagements, local work only, or negotiating childcare costs into your terms. Single parents will be solving a different equation altogether.

This means I say “no” to a lot, which is heart-wrenching as a soprano, since every opportunity feels so hard-fought. It also means I barely do any opera in this season of my life. I miss it, and that hurts. But I’m also enjoying being very present in my children’s lives, from drop-offs and pickups, to volunteering for field trips and recess duty. In my first child’s early years I prioritized opera engagements because I could make them work, and she was portable. Those engagements opened doors that still pay dividends. As she became more entrenched in school, activities, friends and routines, traveling with her became harder to justify, and after my son was born, the logistics and finances made it doubly unfeasible.

Set expectations with your team and your partner

Your management needs to be on board with your values, whatever you decide for your family. I’m fortunate that mine has evolved with me and actively seeks engagements that fit my rule. Tell your team clearly what your limits are so they are on your side in negotiations.

Set expectations with your partner, too. If you co-parent with another freelance musician, this can be simpler, since you both understand the importance of engagements and share a drive to create art, although career imbalances are real and can create friction in any relationship. If your partner is not a freelance artist, the freelance musician’s life can look confusing, opaque and nonsensical. When an offer comes in, you may see your “big break” while your partner sees the extra dropoffs and bedtime meltdowns they will be left with.

An established rule for the engagements you accept helps ease that tension, so you are not re-litigating the legitimacy of your career at every inquiry from your agent. I wish I had been clear about my own values earlier and had communicated them to my partner years ago. I learned that the hard way, and I hope you can be more clear-eyed than I was.

What parenting has given my artistry

I believe becoming a mother has added richness and depth to my artistry and voice that would not have come otherwise. For every opportunity I have said no to, the space it left has made room for work more aligned with my artistic vision.

Being a parent, with all its unpredictability and messiness, has also made me a more resilient artist and less afraid of taking risks. Perfectionism does not get much brain space when it is a miracle in itself to perform on interrupted sleep after successfully dodging the preschool plagues.

As a result, I have explored more self-production avenues (such as my upcoming album release), and being selective has made me more intentional with the repertoire I have chosen to specialize in. This selectivity creates space in my schedule, which means I can serve an arts organization in a board capacity, voicing an artist perspective and providing advocacy for working musicians from the other side of the table. In my experience, saying no has made room for impact, sometimes in unexpected ways.

Each gig I say yes to means something to me personally, and with that energy, I bring an authenticity and a genuine desire to connect with my audience for every engagement.

What presenters and companies can do

I’m not pro-natalist by any means. I’m simply pushing back against the anti-parent strain that runs through much of classical music hiring, especially the anti-mother sentiment. I know I’m not alone in this: when I became pregnant, I stayed quiet, downplayed my family commitments in professional settings, and balked at asking for accommodations in contract negotiations.

Presenters can help in ways that go beyond the rehearsal room. Some could budget for childcare in their fees, offer to reimburse it, or provide family-friendly housing, so a parent doesn’t have to choose between taking the job and being able to afford to bring their family along.

I also know that isn’t financially feasible for many organizations. Now that I sit on a board myself, I understand how tight budgets are, and I’m not suggesting every company can absorb these costs. To this I say: prioritize hiring local talent. Most of us musician-parents would relish the opportunity to perform at a high level without having to travel.

Companies stand to gain from hiring parents, for the artistic depth and resilience described above, and because it is a chance to reach the next generation of music appreciators. Hiring locally is more affordable for the company, builds stronger community ties, and creates a much more family-friendly situation for the artist.

Specific questions

I received some more specific questions recently, and I would like to answer them here.

Q: How do parents navigate breastfeeding and/or pumping with six-hour rehearsal days?

A: In my experience, just ask. I have told management, administration and artistic staff exactly what I needed (for example, a 30-minute break every 2.75 hours) to stick to a pumping schedule, that my nanny was bringing my baby by at a specific time to nurse, or that I needed a private dressing room to pump or nurse in. I have never received any pushback. Be specific in your ask so the production team is not guessing what you require.

One caveat: I ask after 15 years of working, from an established position. If you are earlier in your career, the power dynamic is different and asking may feel riskier. Put the request in writing, and if you have an agent, have them make it.

Q: How many singers choose to homeschool their kids because of their travel schedules?

A: I don’t really have a sense of how many musicians do this, but my feeling is that it is pretty rare. I have heard of one very high-level singer whose husband is the primary caregiver and handles all of their children’s homeschooling. While rare, it is not impossible, and I gather there can be significant developmental benefits to environmental learning, global perspectives and novel experiences. But you never know what kid you are going to get, so it also depends heavily on your child’s temperament. Homeschooling would never work for me, partly because it is a very heavy lift, and partly because my children are highly sensitive and thrive on routine, structure and predictability.

Q: How does one navigate a significantly slimmer schedule, and how does it affect relationships with everyone in the field?

A: I may have a contrarian view here, but I believe no one you value working with will begrudge you for living by your values. Transparency, honesty, and authentic communication with your network pay dividends. Practically speaking, stay in touch personally with the presenters you want to keep working with, and not just via social media. Reach out by email, text, or (gasp!) phone call. Make a point to meet them when you are nearby, or when they are touring in your town. Make it clear that you still want to work, and that you want to work with them, even if you cannot accept every offer.

The short version

There is no right answer, only the one that fits your family’s constraints and that you can state clearly enough for your partner, your agent and your presenters to plan around. Write down your version before the next offer arrives.

If you have questions, or want to share how you handle this, leave a comment or email me directly.

1 Pieces featuring me in The New York Times, Classical Singer Magazine, and the Opera Box Score podcast ↩

2 Yes, I realize there’s a third, hybrid option, where you travel back and forth in the middle of a gig or your family visits you while you are away. I would argue this is still one of those two choices, just in smaller doses. A hybrid approach might make travel more emotionally sustainable for your family, but the financial cost of the extra travel will almost certainly fall on you, as I have never heard of a company reimbursing mid-gig travel. ↩